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Life in these times- Musings on Motherhood
May 9 2006 | Views 3091 |
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It was a pleasant spring afternoon..
I sat across from her in a quiet corner of the restaurant.. she looked happier than I have seen her in her long time..She sipped her mango flavored iced tea, smiling and talking as we were catching up on all the recent happenings..
Suddenly, those big brown eyes..turned moist as she took a tissue and wiped her eyes.."Are you alright? What's wrong?" I asked her..
"I am a little anxious, Maria", she said..
"About....?"
"Mina is going to camp for two days"..."You know, I have never been away from her..for more than a day..and she has never been away from me at night...from the day she was born..for the last sixteen years"...and she paused...
"Wow! never once, in sixteen years?"
"Never"..
I did not know...what the right words were to say...if it was anyone else, I would have said "my usual lines" about baby birds growing wings and flying away and how Mama birds have to be ready to let them go....But this young bird was special......Mina is *Autistic...her wings are impaired and she would always need the special care of her Mama bird...
She continued.."this is a camp for children with disabilities..so I think, they will take care of her..and it is only an hour ride from here"..
I leaned over and touched her hand.."I am sure the teachers and other staff are well trained to deal with their special needs".."and if she has any problems, they will call you and you can go and pick her up right away."
"It is hard you know..", "sometimes I worry about what will happen to her, if something happens to me...she misses me and her father..even if it a few hours...and you know, how she can't express herself....with other people besides us"..
"I know"...
I am not sure..if I really know, all that she was feeling..the depth of feelings in a very real journey of pain, disappointment and turmoil..which all mothers (fathers as well) of disabled children and children with lifelong illnesses experience..the care giving- for a lifetime...the fears, anxieties and perhaps the acceptance that "it is never going to get better".
In a world where one is judged as "a good parent", if their child is "a winner" based on their "successes of their children" usually educational, economic, professional ..I pondered for a few minutes about the same thing all of us do...perhaps at times... "why are some people so fortunate, so deserving, while others are not?"
Speaking of unfair and undeserving...yet so fortunate...
Had the memorable opportunity recently, to be in a meeting with another well-known mother's son....who is among the luckiest of all...Goodness, can anyone be more fortunate than this person, ever? I am speaking of Barbara's firstborn child...George....Yes..."the Decider"..King George himself..also known as George W. Bush.
Like them or hate them..it is fascinating to see 'history-makers' in person..So, set my my personal views aside for some time- and tried to simply observe him "just as a person".. I suppose one has their own expectations.. was rather surprised by- how strikingly good looking and charming he is in person..not the man one imagines, as portrayed- fumbling and stumbling over words..he comes across as poised,humble and approachable..puts his arms readily around all people, pats them on the back and makes everyone around him at ease, laughs a lot..
He is certainly Barbara's son in his mannerisms..
For some reason, remembered the Willie Nelson song.."Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys"..for entirely different reasons (aside from what the song is really about!)..perhaps, the song could be re-worded...don't let them be "Cowboy Presidents..."
But, what is a mother, any mother really to do? Her children grow up and surprise her in good and bad ways, all the time.
There are many words one can use to describe a Mother's love..soothing, comforting, caring etc..But I recently heard a Latvian friend describe it as: "ferocious love"...She continued..."my children birthed me...in loving them, with a ferocious love that stunned me with its beauty and its power, I surely learned more than I could ever teach them. Every absolute I had held with such assurance would be tested and discarded. Every ready made judgment I would make with such arrogant conviction would be crushed into dust. My children taught me compassion. They taught me grace. They taught me patience, humility, and faith against all odds. They were the source of my strength when my own ran out"..
There is not much, I can add to that...
Life, as they say, happens while you are making other plans...While many of my professional and other pursuits have been rewarding...I continue to evolve, change courses as situations demand ... Life also demanded to be lived, before I would ever have anything truly meaningful to write. If I was ever to be a good writer, it would first have to teach me about love and about sacrifice, key ingredients to creation, whether of another life born of flesh or forms of literature and art...and what better way to learn, than from the experiences of motherhood?!
Among other things, it taught me that it can push anyone to the absolute limits of unconditional love one can give....made me give until I was exhausted from giving, and then, give more still.....but, the amazing part is, it also taught me that I could indeed give more than...... I ever thought, I could or would!
It turned my heart into steel and light..
And I am certainly not alone...just one among millions of other Mothers..who are the same..rich or poor...
Ah, a Mother.."that one woman" we love (who can also drive us crazy at times, like no one can!) As Maya Angelou once said, "To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power."
Trying to understand your Mother will be futile..simply love her and forgive her..for no mother is perfect..may be you should take a few moments to let her know that she is in your thoughts and you appreciate her. There is no better affirmation for a mother than words of love and respect from her children.
Over the past three years..I have come to know many of you remarkable women here..some of you are still struggling with infertility trying to have babies..while others are pregnant, some are new mothers and others who have children in all age groups.
It is easy to lose our 'sense of self'..and inspite of all our good intentions, become obsessive and even try to 'live vicariously' through them..children are precious, but they are not our 'possessions'...have to remind ourselves constantly of those classic lines..
"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in you dreams"....
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in you dreams"....
-Khalil Gibran
Here's to all the mothers and would-be mothers in Sulekha land...we celebrate you not just on Mother's Day....
but every day 
!
!Maria
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*Autism..
Autism (sometimes called “classical autism”) is the most common condition in a group of developmental disorders known as the autism spectrum disorders (ASDs). Autism is characterized by impaired social interaction, problems with verbal and nonverbal communication, and unusual, repetitive, or severely limited activities and interests. Other ASDs include Asperger syndrome, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, and pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (usually referred to as PDD-NOS). Experts estimate that three to six children out of every 1,000 will have autism.
© Maria S., all rights reserved.
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